Aunty We Need to Talk: How Internalized Misogyny in Black Communities Endangers Women & Girls

How Some Black Women's Views Gatekeep Patriarchy, Endangering Women & Girls

Grace is an action many women hear far too often in conversations about abusive men. In Black communities, internalized misogyny has enabled a culture where women are expected to endure harm silently, often in the name of love, sacrifice, or faith. Too many women have witnessed "grace" coddle violent men, wrapped in the language of forgiveness and survival. As Black women, our silenced pain is not a badge of honor; it is the result of generational conditioning, a dangerous heirloom passed down through religion, respectability politics, and the deep-rooted pressures of survivalism.

One of Many Gatekeepers of Patriarchy

Many Black girls grew up tethered to spaces with women who policed their girlhood at every phase. 'Fast' is a derogatory term in itself, forcing young girls to feel culpable for the undesired attention of predatory men. These women are complicit in perpetuating systems that open the door for abuse in many forms. Physical, financial, emotional, mental, and more have enabled chaos in many communities and households. The branding of misogyny runs deep throughout cultural norms, allowing women to regurgitate beliefs that ultimately endanger women and girls. Clinging to outdated and harmful ideologies that are oftentimes rooted in religion, respectability politics, and survivalism has cost Black women peace and their lives.

A Legacy of Survivalism and Silence

For generations, Black women have been forced to survive systems that tried to destroy them. Slavery, Jim Crow, mass incarceration, and economic oppression. In that fight for survival, silence became a survival tactic in itself, creating cycles of generational trauma. Abusive men were protected in some cases in order to "keep the family together." Some women endured for the sake of having someone. Others endured solely for their safety. As a result, some Black boomer women, many of whom came of age during the Civil Rights and Black Church eras, internalized patriarchy and passed it down, wrapped in scripture and a desire to protect what little power they had.

But survival isn't liberation. And too often, the price of that silence has been the safety and mental health of younger Black women and girls. The example has distorted the truth of what is okay and what is not... what a healthy relationship looks like and what it does not.

The Role of the Black Church

The Black church has historically been both a haven and a hazard. While it provided community and resistance during segregation, it also reinforced rigid gender roles and demanded submission in spaces where it shouldn't be. Many Black women were raised to believe their value lies in how well they can endure a man's flaws, not in how well they protect their own peace. Some women were raised to believe that their value lies in having a man in their life period. Can you keep a man? It's as if it's solely dependent on the woman to do everything she can to make sure the man doesn't leave.

Boomer women taught their daughters and nieces to pray through pain, to forgive without accountability, and to confuse control with care. Oftentimes, when abuse was disclosed, it was met with silence, shame, or the infamous line: "What happens in this house, stays in this house." A trip to the altar was never enough to change abusers or wipe the slate clean. It was never enough to numb the reality either. And yet, women endured.

Ending Internalized Misogyny in Black Communities

Respectability politics is still a loud voice that seeks to shift accountability. Believing that dressing or acting a certain way will shield women from sexism and abuse has been a weapon used against Black women by other Black women. Instead of condemning abusers, some matriarchal figures chastise young girls for being too loud, too bold, or too sexual. These ideas are not protection. They're victim-blaming in disguise. And in doing so, these older women become gatekeepers of the very systems that harmed them.

Essentially, this isn't about disrespecting elders or women with different views. It's about breaking cycles. Black women can honor the resilience of their foremothers while rejecting the harmful ideologies they inherited. The world our "aunties" and grandmothers came up in demanded silence. Ours demands truth. The truth is much louder if we're all on the same page and demanding it together.